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Sunday, July 30, 2006

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#-2 Corinthians 10:5

2 Corinthians 10:5 ...fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.

A cycle of depression sweeps over me once again. It's going to continue like that, ups and downs, over and over, spinning round and round. Sometimes I just wished I knew how you felt about me. I won't do anything. I don't think it'll change anything, but I just want to know.

It came to me that I have truly met my match, someone that has been so richly blessed and so gifted that her glory just shines and perhaps even shadows my own. Perhaps this is why I'm so attracted to her, and also why it's causing me so much distress. Over-achievers are one thing but this lady just takes the cake. Really, I don't think I even deserve such pure, unadulterated beauty. The glory God has put into her is awesome. There is no doubt He took great delight in creating her. Perhaps I have to be humbled, by you.

Tell me Lord, are my thoughts running away from You? Are they straying from the path set out for me? Why give me such feelings? So that I can grab it by the collar and force it to submission to You? Sure, I am to guard my heart, but to keep watch 24/7 is difficult.

Today's sermon was on the above verse. Spoke to me in my sorry state of distress. But, even after surrendering all my thoughts to God, still resolution eludes me. My mind opposes my body, and my heart is being plagued. The Lord was the one who brought this lady into my life. He was the one who gave me such strong feelings for her. Why? I don't know. For once, I find a Godly woman I can be so attracted to, and still I have to prevent myself from falling head over heels. And I have to guard my heart ever so vigilantly. Funny how He always seems to deny what our flesh desires, only to teach us what we cannot learn anywhere else. But we have to listen, and obey, and oh what a challenge that poses.

Perhaps I shall write again tonight, since a certain eldest person in my home is sitting beside me.

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