RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Monday, July 17, 2006

-- Opened --

#-The tempter lurks at every corner, waiting to pounce

And just after a love song, sang to God, I had to crucify Him again. Why is it that some sins are just so difficult to handle. Sins that keep drawing me back, making me fall over and over again. I'm sick of it. I want to stop, I really do. Still, I fall, so many times.

I know He forgives, and I forgive myself, but still I fall again and again. It's really just like burning yourself on the stove over and over again. Imagine this: Boy touches stove, "ouch!!", touches it again, "ouch!!", and again, "ouch!!", ad infinitum. Seriously, I think I'm just so damn stubborn and rebellious that I keep doing it over and over again.

How do I stop? I've fasted, prayed, read the Word. I think I might go on another fast for this sin, since it's a recurring one and "this one goes out only by fasting and praying". Such utter disappointment I'm feeling right now. A pleasure that was supposed to be beautiful, I probably can't enjoy it with such beauty, if not for this stupid sin.

People view me with such high regard. When all the while I'm just as vile, abject and sick as everyone else. I've committed this sin up to the Lord so many times. I'm tired of sinning. I don't want to nail Him over and over again, over the same thing. I don't want to hurt Him. If I could, I would take the desire away. I really would. There can be so much more pleasure from other sources, why must I have such strong desire?

What about you?
Do you think I'm great?
Don't you see I'm the same as you?
Don't you see how plagued I am by this, by the same thing as you, you and you are? Don't you realize that you make it worse by holding me in high regard?
Do you see the darkness inside me?
Do you?
What about you?
No?
WHY NOT?!?!
LOOK!!
NO, Deeper.
Still deeper.
Yes there, don't you feel the eeriness surround you?
Don't you feel the sinister aura closing in, threatening to crush your very breath?
Don't you feel it suffocate you, pulling you away from the light.
GET OUT!! NOW!!
Don't let it suck you in.
FLEE!!
Confront the darkness and it will flee you.
No don't get tempted. FLEE!!
FLEE DAMN IT!!!
Too late.
You idiotic, curious, ungrateful brat.
You had all you need, but yet you had to find out more.
You wanted to know, and because of that you are cursed.
Isn't it the same as old times.
Ah yes, don't you remember dear Adam.
You're just like him, disobeying just a simple command.
Why don't you ever listen?
Why?

-- Closed --

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