RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Saturday, July 08, 2006

-- Opened --

#-Thy will be done

Sometimes God takes away or refuses to give us what we want. It hurts, badly. But sometimes He teaches us that these things can become idols in our lives. Through several incidents He has taught me how easy it is for something or someone else to take His place.

It was a life-changing experience to say the least. I never knew my music dreams could be idols. I always thought that God would be happy that I'm always searching for ways to develop my talent. I remember the story of the investment of the talents given to the servants.

I also remember how MDC had become my idol for the last 3 months or so. Had thought that it was a good goal, and innocent petition. It never occurred to me that it could have been an idol. I thought wrong. God slapped me flat in the face 3 times. And wow, what an experience it was. I was Pes A when I 1st went for the MDC auditions. Since I knew the audition IC, he showed me that I was on "top priority" list, and he assured me that I would get in. So far God had, I believed, told me that He would take me there. So in my naivete I took advice from my PCs and did not try to downgrade. Bad idea. In the end of BMT, I got posted to 6SIR. "perfect" I thought. Let me tell you that place looks like a hell-hole the minute you step in, and when you start work, you'll realize how much of a hell-hole it really is. So I became a rifleman, and went to see the MO on the 2nd day. Immediately he told me that I would be downgraded to Pes E9L9. Wow, that's a big jump. So now I should be able to get in right? I mean I was praying so hard and believing that this was His will and doing all I could do. But no, a 2nd time He slapped me, this time really really hard. I got my posting directive when I was in Alpha Company, not to MDC, but to stay in the same unit in S1 Branch. This hit me harder than I could ever expect. I was expecting MDC, really, now that I was Pes E. I was so crushed during this period it was difficult even for me to believe. This meant too much to me to be of any good. During the next few weeks before I shifted to S1 Branch, I wept. Everyday I would clutch my bible and weep. I was crying more than I ever cried in my entire life. Fortunately, the grace the Lord gave me helped me overcome this period, and during my fasting, praying and petitioning, He opened my eyes to the most amazing revelation I had ever experienced. God literally opened the eyes of my heart, and displayed to me the spiritual battle going on around me. I could vaguely see archangels with swords, bravely defending my soul from the Evil One. I could see chariots whizzing past, hurling spears at its foes. To think that the creator of the universe would send His archangels to fight for my soul. Just the thought of that made me break down again, this time to a deeper lament, and instead of bitterness, my heart was touched. There He was, when He did not let me go to MDC, and He was involved in such details of myself.

But more than that, my eyes flung open with the power of the Lord. They tell of stories of thunder and lightning, of loud trumps and drums. It happened to me. That happened. The storm that afternoon was nothing short of awesome. There, for the 1st time in my life, I was afraid of God, afraid of His power. That, was genuine fear. The tears couldn’t stop flowing, with me kneeling beside the stained bed in my bunk, crying out for His mercy. The Spirit descended and slowly crept into my being. There I continued to kneel, shivering at the power of the Almighty.

Words can hardly describe the feelings I experienced that day. An amazing experience really. It was one that no doubt drew me to Himself, to teach me to depend on Him. Of course I still wanted to go to MDC, things like that you cannot easily let go of. But now with a renewed faith, I prayed more for direction in this new posting than to go to MDC. That was strike 2.

Strike 3 happened when some guys from MDC were going to ORD, thus leaving space for me, as was the reason why I could not get in the previous time. This time, CPC straightaway filled up those places, leaving none for me, again. It makes me wonder if CPC has something against me, not letting me go there for 3 times, even though both parties(MDC and I) wanted me in there. I did break down again, how could I not, for something that meant so much to me. But this time there was a certain peace. This time I knew God had something better, a grand and magnificent plan, intricately crafted for my doing. And because of this, my tears were much less than the previous instance. So I asked Him for His peace, His protection and His direction. I asked that His will be done.

My soul was at peace, no matter where I went. God has been good, and I rest in Him. Although He did not give me what I wanted, He gave me something better: what He wanted. And I still see so much of His involvement in my life, especially in small areas, which I've come to notice more and more. He gave me great bunkmates, 2 of which are strong Christians, to mingle, talk and have company with. Then He gave me the favor of my Chief Clerk, such that she allowed me to go off for several performances, and she treats me quite well. He made me stay-in camp for a certain period, which gave me time to ponder and reflect on His word, to inwardly digest the scriptures and to marvel at His goodness. And I believe He will continue to bless me greatly.

The other day, a friend of mine told me that his mum had many contacts and would probably be able to get me into MDC by pulling strings. I turned down the offer. What was an idol in my life God transformed it. I knew God had something planned for me here. I just couldn't take up the offer. It was tempting no doubt, but He showed me that His plan is always better. Thanks for the offer though, friend.

A poem by George Matheson sums it up well (poem found in Elisabeth Elliot's "Loneliness"):

O Love that wilt not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee;
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O Light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to Thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in Thy sunshine's blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me though pain,
I cannot close my heart to Thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from Thee;
I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground thee blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

-- Closed --

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