RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

-- Opened --

#-To dance, fall and pick yourself up again

Life seems so dry nowadays. Work is nothing but monotonous, considering how nothing in the army is worth doing. Fortunately, I am still able to have a life outside. I've gone dance-crazy!!haha..about 3 dance classes a week!!Lindy on Thursdays are the most fun. Well since I'm still at the beginner's class its abit slow, but the aft-class social SwingFling rocks. Can try all kinds of funny stuff.

Then there's salsa on Saturdays, or maybe also Fridays soon. Salsa at Attitude is damn fun, but super fast, so I can't really get all the steps down. I think I'm gonna take the course at Jitterbugs to get a better foundation. I knew there was a part of me always wanting to learn salsa. I wished I could dance with you, but alas I don't see that opportunity in the near future, since you've been pulling away quite abit recently. But nonetheless, I'm still gonna learn, because it's just such a good skill to learn, not to mention exercise, which I hardly get nowadays.

Sundays are even more tiring, with jazz dance. Wow the warmups already kill most of the class, then we have to learn all the spins and stuff. Fun..haha. After that, my body aches for like 3 days.

My music is taking a short backseat, due to anticipation for my Warr guitar which should be coming in soon. Unfortunately, the people there do not correspond very well, so I don'y really know when it'll actually come in. Nonetheless, when it comes I'll have to practice super hard to get it up to a performance standard. Imagine Bach 2-part Inventions on it, or Chopin Fantasy Impromptu!!Plus I'll finally be able to play both the bassline and comp at the same time, along with holding a decent melody line. I mean talk about one-man-band man. I'm just so exhilarated by the possibilities.

This was what you wrote:
"(edit)the more strongly you come on to me, the more of yourself you let go, the more you push me away. you dont just push me away, but you push me back to him. i can't handle the pressure, cause i won't reciprocate your actions due to obligation. but i can't, i just really can't take it. i dont want your heart and your feelings, i dont. it's too stifling, you're suffocating me. i need to breathe. i just want things to be simple and plain. without any complications.
of course it's different, because i'm pulling away.(/edit)"

Did you really think I wouldn't be sorry for that? Did you think I wouldn't be affected much by this? Of course you don't see, I haven't shown any form of sadness about it. No, I've been hiding it all for your sake, because I know you couldn't, and still can't afford to have my feelings be a burden to you. Not now at least, when you're still so unstable. Perhaps you'll never find out how badly you've hurt me the last 2 weeks. You don't need to know anyway. Well at least we still talk, it's just that holding a conversation with you is so much more difficult now that I have to be more cautious. It's just different isn't it? Both of us are just different now.

But it doesn't matter, I'm part of a grand plan. It really doesn't matter where He takes me, who He brings into my life, because He is sovereign. Whatever happens to me or whatever I feel, He can use for His glory and plan. That is what I found out, when I made MDC an idol. Still He used that experience to open the eyes of my heart, to show me His power. I mean those life-changing experiences people write about, as with the conversion of Saul to Paul, there I was, experiencing His raw and untamed power, where I could do nothing but fall on my knees and tremble, literally. It was nothing short of awesome really.

At the same time, I also start to realize how easy it is to stray away from Him. I have to constantly guard myself and remind myself to go back to Him, lest the Evil One preys on my weakness. Not even a foothold has to available to Satan. Now that I've become more attuned to the Lord, Satan attacks me even more. But I know that in the name of Jesus, no other power can stand against me. So I stand secured, although I still trip sometimes, but He always picks me up and leads me by the hand.

So apt is a writing by Elisabeth Elliot:

Perhaps some future day, Lord, Thy strong hand
Will lead me to the place where I must stand
Utterly alone.

Alone, O Gracious Lover, but for Thee;
I shall be satisfied if I can see
Jesus only.

I do not know Thy plan for years to come,
My spirit finds in Thee its perfect home,
Sufficiency

Lord, all my desire is before Thee now,
Lead on, no matter where, no matter how-
I trust in Thee.

-- Closed --

------------------------------------------------------