RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

-- Opened --

#-Grief

There are apparently 5 stages of grief, as follows: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining and Acceptance. And each stage is crucial for the full process of recovery. Different people grief over different circumstances, and what might seem small loss for one may be the collapse of a universe for another. And with each instance, part of our being is lost.

I'm quite a mix between Denial, Depression and Bargaining now. Perhaps I delude myself that you still desire to draw closer to me, attempt to convince myself of hope. Then there are the bouts of Depression, the waves of tears, the overall lousy, gut wrenching, heart twisting feeling which seem so prevailant nowadays. And lets not forget Bargaining, telling myself "oh I should not have done this, or that," and "if only I'd done so-and-so, things wouldn't turn out like that." I'm on my way I believe, to Acceptance. Perhaps it's true that it'll never be the same, that some things may never occur. When one takes a hard blow, life changes, heads in a new direction, and it continues until something else happens to change its direction. Again Inertia comes into play, Inertia and Momentum.

Self-pity is such a dangerous emotion for me to experience. When one compares, this is bound to happen. Who ever calls me "for a chat"? Who ever asks me out for a meal, or even coffee? And the worst thing is that many people think I lead such a social life and have throngs of friends. Well guess what dear? I don't. Hardly anyone has "apt timing" for me. Few know me beyond my music. See how easily I slip into this attitude. See how insecure and childish I really am.

I am reminded of what a compliment a dear friend paid me awhile back. I wonder how I could accept it, when all the while I'm just a monster, a beast. Since when have I been nice, or self-sacrificial? I've been selfish, as with every generation, every person, just a self-serving, self-centred lump of a scrooge, an old hag.

Dear Lord, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the ones I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.

-- Closed --

------------------------------------------------------