RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Saturday, August 12, 2006

-- Opened --

#-I'll remember April

I'm terribly dissapointed with myself.
Where was what I was before?
What happened to that unforgettable smile,
That charm?
I used to be able to make you smile
So easily.
I used to make your day by just being me.
But now, all I do is bring you down,
Provide you with troubles,
Give you more to worry about.

How you used to be so transparent to me,
While now I cannot even begin to dechiper your feelings.
You have no idea how much this affected me,
How your words caused me to sink.
I think I'm drowning, beneath the miry depths.
Do you even like me,
Now that I've become a burden?
I know you still care,
As you always have,
But why do I feel as if you are going to close yourself to me?
Why do I still feel like you hold it against me,
Even though you said you don't.

I hate myself.
I despise how I give people such pleasant initial impressions,
But whenever I get close,
I change,
Their impressions change.
I repel people.
Noone actually wants to care,
They all only like the nice Mark,
The one whos always happy and sweet.
But when Mark gets down,
Everyone just disappears.
So I hate myself.
Why can't I be just so repulsive
That noone wants to befriend me?
So that noone can dissapoint me.

I don't want to wallow in self-pity.
This is sin.
I don't want to!!
Noone has ever managed to hurt me to such extent.
I know, as I think you're well aware too,
That I have a soft spot for you.
Even external observers notice.

This is not happening.
Please Lord,
Where was that me in April,
In May?
Did I cross the line?
I know You brought her into my life,
That You used me to encourage her,
To be there for her.
Did I grab for more?
Should everyone just know the nice me?
And not the beast inside?
What charge have You given me?
What purpose?
Oh that You would bless me indeed!
That even in pain, I might do Your will.
Though tears may flow,
I may reach out.
Though my heart aches,
my smile conforts others.
Because what am I but a servant?

Please Father,
This person is different,
I know it.
How does she fit in?
Oh would You please keep me in Your embrace?
Please.
I need Your comfort,
You love.

-- Closed --

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