RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

-- Opened --

#-To fly against the wind, and soar.

In one night everything can change. Now it seems like I just cannot have feelings for you. I have to make myself stop, because the last straw has been broken I'd say. I admit I was at fault, but really I don't you think you have to take it so personally. And your reaction really put me off. You tell me you don't want me to be too cautious or careful with my words or actions, but now you shoot me down again. Perhaps I just step on your toes too much and too ofetn. Each time I offer my opinion, you take it the wrong way or take offence. Yesterday night wasn't the first time. You're a very wise lady and a loyal friend, that I can give to you, and I respect you for those qualities. I just think you're being a little too inflexible and hardheaded, and I just don't think I can take that. So now I have to make myself stop liking you. I'll still love you make no mistake about that, but I jsut can't have feelings for you, not when I can't even make my opinion known without having you violently reject it. At least if you had done it politely I would be fine really, and still you say you're supposedly the polite one, teven though sometimes you don't give me replies or even avoid me altogether. Whenever you have needed me, I've been there and have made time for you, gone out of my way to help you or be with you. Can you say the same? I don't know if you're still avoiding me but since you can't even find time when I want to spend time with you or even speak to you, then of what importance am I? I cannot say that you're selfish because you've proven otherwise, neither can I say that you do not care about me, because I know you do. I guess I just feel that you've still been avoiding me, whether consciously or not. And if that's the case then fine for you, because I have chosen to love you, so really I guess I have to tell myself not to expect anything in return. And now you even say that you want to get to know some guy better, that he is in your mind. Really proves that I should just forget about my feelings for you doesn't it? You're so used to people being interested in you that it wouldn't make a difference either way.

But praise God for showing this to me, and even though I'm still not certain if I should make myself stop liking her, I accept whatever You give to me, or take away. I just ask that You let me know of You would give me the gift of singleness. I want to be totally commited to You, but Lord, on top of that, I ask that You will be done.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Remnants of our conversation linger in my head, tossing, turning, twisting everything from what it was before. I started being convinced that I just cannot have such strong feelings for you. No doubt you have found your way into my life and heart, but I must now stop entertaining the possibility of a relationship with you. Perhaps tears might flow again tonight, but I really hope not, because I'm not losing you, but merely losing my feelings for you. And besides, God knows what's best for me. In that I put my trust and am convinced. You really ought to do that same.

-- Closed --

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