RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Sunday, October 22, 2006

-- Opened --

#-About cushion from our thorns

It's really rather amusing how people can be totally oblivious to your feelings if you cover it well enough. I'd reckon I do a good job then, considering how you just say hi all happy and all, only whenever you feel like it, as if everything was fine and dandy. Well of course you think that, because I haven't displayed any of my negative feelings to you. After all, you have no idea how much you've hurt me in the past 6 months I've known you even though I do admit you have given me some joy too. Perhaps ignorance truly is bliss. Maybe if you knew how you affected me you'd feel bad. But then again, I highly doubt it, as I think how you'd probably just say it was my own problem and start comparing how much you've gone through with how "little" my pain is, which is really not the point since our situations are different. I'd say that people only affect you if you let them, which is probably why you're still so affected by him, and yes, I let myself be affected by you. Why? Because I care, and because I choose to. Fortunately for you, I just can't find it in my heart to stop caring or turn cold on you.

I realize that I'm really quite removed from most groups of people. Perhaps I'm just immiscible. It's down on record that I "prefer the company of few". They say you're addicted to dance when you make more and more friends in the dance circle, but when I had supper with the Salsa people, I couldn't find myself fitting in very well, and neither with the Swing people, except Dale, because we're both musicians and dancers. But then again, neither do I mix very well with the professional music circle. One soon discovers how havoc most of these arty people are, which I just can't seem to find in myself. In fact, I hardy talked when I was at supper with the Salsa people on Friday. I found there was nothing much for me to say, I ended up sitting there listening to the conversations, and of course admiring the hot lady across the table (yes the gorgeous NTU one). And after Swing at Harry's last night, when we went for supper, I ended up talking mostly to Dale about music again. One side of the table was talking about parties and army jokes, which of course I didn't want to be a part of, and the other half was talking about music and studies. I was caught in the middle literally, trying to choose which side to involve myself with. Somehow when it all boils down, all these remind me how I don't belong in this world, how meaningless everything is.

I used to be a cushion from many thorns, but who's going to be my cushion? God gave us community and fellowship so that we can have that "human touch", because He knows that even though we have to depend on Him, physical beings are still required for effective ministry and friendship. After all, God works through us people. But I don't seem to have developed very strong relations with many people. Perhaps I stick out like a sore thumb too much, unwilling to conform to societal norms, usually upholding varied opinions from most others. I intimidate people don't I? Am I an enigma? After all, few can claim to really know me well.

Remind yourself Mark, "you are in the world but not of the world".

Find myself really wanting to get to know you better. There is this simplicity that is just irresistable, yet somehow I feel there is much more to you than meets the eye, and I want to find out more. I hope you'll let me though, because I intrigue you too don't I? At least I hope you do, I really do hope so. See you next Friday, at Union I presume, I hope.

I chased you, for in this was my pleasure.
I captured you, for this was my desire;
I bound you, and I rejoice in your bounds;
I have wounded you, that you may be united with me.
I cause you extreme pain of body.
The higher the love the greater the pain.
If I gave you blows, it was that you might possess me.
Lie down in the Fire,
See and taste the flowing Godhead through your being.

-Mechthild (speaking as God)

Such imagery, such beauty, such consuming fire and passion of our Lord.

-- Closed --

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