RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Sunday, October 01, 2006

-- Opened --

#-Still I feel so empty

I realized that I cannot afford to do nothing. It's not in my vocabulary, foreign to my system. It is during these times that negative emotions start o pull at my heartstrings. When I actually have time to reminisce, to ponder and to consider, feelings or bore, of loneliness, start to creep up behind me, wooing me into their vortex of feelings. Erosion of self-confidence results, and, plunging into abyssmal self-pity, one begins to question life and whatever it's worth.

Right now, I am at that stage. Having time on my hands, I've concluded, cannot be a good thing, precisely because of these effects free time has on me. But I wish that for once I can sit by the window, with no distractions, and bask in the glory of my Lord. To watch the clouds float lazily across the sky, or the stars that seem to sparkle like jewels in the heavens. To consider and be awed at the work of Thy hands, without negative emotions coming into the picture. But it just doesn't seem to happen anymore. Gone were the days I used to sing to You as I took a long walk home, when I used to make music to Your ears. It seems so long since I last fell still and silent and waited on You. Why do so much feelings plague me? Why so restless, dear heart of mine?

I ask Thee,
Hide me beneath Thy wings.
Though weathers beat and pry and blast,
In this shelter I'm safe at last.

The human heart is such an insecure piece of equipment. Although it is strong and can survive the hardest blows, yet it always cries out to be loved and cared for. It always wants to feel appreciated, to have a place in another.

Still I cannot find myself being happy with my lot. it has been 9 months since I first stepped into this crucible, and 13 more months to go. And each time I have to explain my situation, I find myself still possessing the strong desire to make better use of my talents and skills. More and more I realize how much I blame my superior for not letting me go, but firming insisting that I stayed under her control. No doubt the Father has a plan for me, but I still resent this work, I cannot learn to love the job.

Still I feel so empty.

-- Closed --

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