RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

-- Opened --

#-I wish you love

Isn't it funny? How when you care for someone, there is always a tinge of selfish-ness at the back of your head. Even if there are no intimate feelings, there exists an envy when they start having feelings for an external party. I find myself always thinking "he's not good enough for her", or even just plain disappointment, and I do not know why. Perhaps it's the thought of being replaced, or shelved, so to speak, that causes me such thoughts. Maybe it just makes me think that I'm not good enough.

And it comes of course, when it seems you've found someone else. Heck I should be happy. You've been consumed and deeply affected by the end of the previous relationship for the longest time. Now that it seems you might be opening up again, I should be happy. But alas, I am not. I made you smile once, sheltered you from many pains. I protected you from thorns, once. And you fell for me, once. But soon, no longer did you smile. No longer could I make you laugh. Still I dote on you, but do you notice? And even when there are no intimate feelings anymore, I still feel disappointed that I can't be the one to continue making you smile. But what I resent most, was what you wrote once, that "rebound period is over, and I got through without hurting anyone", not knowing the fact that you hurt me. You used me to re-write your memories with him. I was always there when you needed me. When those tears filled your eyes, I would help make them go away. But I made one mistake and you turned on me, hard. Yea sure, life isn't fair. I just hope you remember how I've treated you well, respected you and cared about you.

Funny isn't it? The human forever wants to be remembered by another, or be included in history. We always want to "Leave our legacy", just like how every other creature on this Earth; wanting to pass on their own genes. Even our surnames tell tale of this innate desire. But what use is it? So what if Raffles founded Singapore, and so what if Galileo discovered the Earth to be spherical? So their names will be forever remembered, big deal. Perhaps one should for once abide by the rule of SAF; Serve And F*off. In that way, there would be no desire to be remembered nor to remember. Sure makes things alot easier.

Come to think of it, none of my relationships, or even "almost-there" relationships, have lasted for any period long enough for them to be significant. Even my 1st, which lasted for officially a year, wasn't quite so, considering how we hardly spoke after shortly after we got together, and within that official year, the number of times we went on dates could be counted on one hand. And then there's the 2nd which lasted 3 weeks. Finally the 3rd lasted for, God forgive me, 1 week. Seems to get shorter and shorter. In 2 months time, I would've broken my uncanny habit of getting attached every 2 years, although I had an "almost-there" relationship this year. Perhaps it true what YiZhe says, that I can't be tied down with just one person. Maybe it's true what most of the ladies think, that I'm a player. Whatever it is, I've been rather sheltered in terms of BGRs I'd reckon, not having any major problematic ones. Then again, Ms Almost-There this year caused me quite abit of emotional distress. Well, perhaps it's only just begun.

So for you, I'd like to quote from a beautiful song:

-- Closed --

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