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Thursday, May 03, 2007

-- Opened --

#-The audience of One

Looks like there aren't anymore scholarships availiable to me. I just received a rejection letter from the Ash Music Scholarship guys. Oh well, my chances were slim in the first place. I thought I'd be able to study music at the same time as Medicine but now it can't be free, I'd have to pay for lessons if I want to.

Darn, I seem to always be unable to win like competitions or awards based on my music. Even the Kripalani award in JC saw me beaten by one of my good friends, because apparently I didn't do enough outreach to the community and all. And the guitar competition from a long way back as well. And it's not like I'm really lousy or anything, but always because I lack in a certain area or something. I mean I'm good for my age in my genre, and being my passion, I do loads of so called 'outreach', teaching people and helping them know more about jazz, but well maybe jazz just isn't appreciated in such competitions or awards. In the end it doesn't really matter how much recognition I get for my music, but it'd be nice to gain some prestige due to my contribution and skill.

Maybe it's just like that when you're a bassist; the most essential and important instrument but the least recognized. Perhaps God doesn't let me win any of these things to prevent me from turning pro. I don't know.

Whatever it is, I'm still going to make sure I'll be one of the better jazz bassists in London, even though in the end I'll probably get little recognition for it.

You know it's just dissapointing and depressing when I reminisce about all these things. I know I was up to the level, and I know I very well had a chance of winning, but everytime I just end up like 2nd or something, never on top. Even for drama last time, I didn't get the lead role just because my whole family went overseas for a holiday during rehearsal period, when I knew I was better than the chosen lead.

They say geniuses are never appreciated in their own time. Am I one? not even close to it! I know I'm not a genius, and there are people way better than me, but during all those past 'competitions', I knew I definitely shone, but just because of minor minor things, I just never come out winner. Especially for Kripalani award. My performing portfolio alone beat all the other candidates flat, I know because the teachers told me, but just because the other guy held some CIP thing with RI, he won.

Ack, I'm ranting. I shall stop.

Men might not see my efforts, but because I put in my best, every performance I hold is good enough for the King or Kings. That has to be all I seek.

Keep telling yourself that.

I play to an audience of One. And He gives me standing ovations, always.

Yup, that's the way.

-- Closed --

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