RuminateReverberateResonate
||r e m i n i s c e s || r e n d e z v o u s || r a m i f i c a t i o n s || r e p a r t e e s ||

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

-- Opened --

#-The demons give chase

*Parental Guidance is advised for the following post*

You never fully escape your flaws.

You run, you hide, you flee, but you never really escape. It always catches up with you. You may have a car and the flaw walks, but it has the GPS.

I have gender issues. Well, I used to at least, but like I said, I don't fully escape it. Today is one of the days. In fact, I never liked the male physique. Perhaps that's a good thing, to prevent myself from becoming gay. But as much as I thank God I'm not gay and as much as I say how it's a privilege to have best of both worlds, the thoughts of being female still haunt me at times.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being curious about being a different sex, but it just hits me that if I weren't grounded in my faith, I'd probably would be a successful candidate for a sex change. Why? Because one of the first questions the doctor asks is when the patient started having thoughts of so called being stuck in a wrong body. If the answer is before puberty at say, 9 or 10 years old, that would be a large confirmation for the doctor to allow a sex change. How do I know that? I searched up about it before of course. But certainly, praise God it dawned upon me that it was a privilege God created me this way instead of a mistake or a curse.

Most of these sex change candidates carry out surgery due to sexual reasons more than anything, and how true. The male sex organ isn't pretty let's face it. The entire body yes, that is a work of art but have just never like the penis, or for that matter how it operates. To me, it is crude and indiscreet, especially when there is an erection. If you were female and felt excited, it wouldn't show on your body at all. And not to mention the fact that women have it much easier nowadays, especially in Singapore where the law sure seems to favour them.

Having said that, I do believe God created me this way for a reason. I'm happy with myself, mostly. I do not deny my past issues nor try to hide them, and maybe that's a way for me to reach out to similar people. But when your flaws catch up with you, then those are not too pleasant times.

Or, maybe I'm just not in a good mood. I was thinking last night, about having to uproot myself from my home for 20 years and planting myself down in a foreign land half-way around the world. And much to my despair, it seems as if all the freshers' activities involve drinking and clubbing, as written in the fresher's handbook, which I received yesterday. Bummer.

On the bright side, there's a Christian Medics society in Imperial so at least I might be able to escape all the bar activities and still make British friends. Anyway, I know God goes ahead of me to prepare the way, so I just have to take the plunge, and before I know it, I'd probably be having a ball of a time there.

-- Closed --

------------------------------------------------------