RuminateReverberateResonate
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

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#-It's all a vicious cycle

Perhaps I’ve figured out the root of my 2 year cycles with girls. Most of the time, I seem to have strong motivations for staying single and all, but I think, every 2 years thereabouts, comes a period of loneliness of higher intensity than normal, which is perhaps why I’m more susceptible to getting into relationships, only to regret it soon enough and end it very prematurely. Granted I may not be right, but allow me to just follow this train of thought and apply it to my current situation.

I’m writing this on the plane back to Singapore, and, having met a gorgeous stewardess serving my row, and telling her that she “has a beautiful face”, leaves me actually checking her out for rather extended periods of time, and, wanting to hold and feel her. Couple of days ago, I found myself attracted to a friend who stayed over at my place, and was really interested in getting to know her better. True this may not prove anything, and I too doubt it links to the point I’m making, but it really seems to me that it is during these certain cycles of loneliness that I entertain more than usual the possibilities of relationships and may be inclined to make rash decisions that don’t end up too well. And it doesn’t help that I think a girl in school is interested in me. That is always a bad thing for me. Having the knowledge of a girl’s interest in me allows me to do certain things that I shouldn’t do, even if subconscious, like playing along resulting in us getting closer which increases the chance for us to get together, which usually, doesn’t end well, with me at least.

Physical desires are always there I think, especially for a guy like me, and you can’t erase the past, nor the memories that accumulate from past sins. And when they stay in my mind they haunt me, tempting me each time I feel lonely especially when I’m in such a state and meet attractive women. I sometimes cry and ask God to remove my entire memory and knowledge about all things sexual. But I know I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and should I choose to remain single, would pose a serious problem for me.

I know that right now I’m building up to the period of intense loneliness. The last one was almost 2 years ago, which was when I almost dated Kelly. And as 2008 draws near, I’m afraid of it, because I know it means the cycle is about to begin and I might just do something really rash which I don’t really want to do. Right now, it seems there are 2 possible targets, of which one is out of the picture because 1)she doesn’t show much interest in me, 2)she’s in Switzerland now, and will go to USA for the next 7 months, after which she’ll return to Singapore to complete her studies. And we all know I don’t believe in long-distance relationships. And the one at school, I really can’t date her, I don’t want to, I really don’t want to. It’s not that she’s not attractive, she is, but I just can’t, but I dread the thought that I might just be stupid and rash enough to get into something not too good.

And I’m scared. I really am.

The words in 1 Corinthians ring clearly in my head, reminding me of staying single and serving God with my life. But as it is, I feel the loneliness inside me well up, and the prospects don’t look good at all. Maybe I do need a girl in my life now, but perhaps it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. Perhaps, all I need is someone to be close to and spend more time than usual with, just for a period until my feelings dissipate. If my hypothesis is correct, then that’ll save me all the trouble of making stupid decisions and regretting it soon after. If that’s the case, then I just might need to ask a big favour of Debra to spend more time with me in the next few months to get over my cycle. She’s one girl I know I can spend a lot of time with and will not get together with. But all this is just a hypothesis. Whether I’m actually right, I guess I won’t know until I try. Quizas, quizas, quizas.

Anyway, back to the gorgeous stewardess on my flight. I did say to her, “you have a beautiful face”, when she came round to serve me food. She was startled, so she gave as a reason for almost dropping my food, but hardly hestitated to just reply with a “thank you”. In fact, if not for her saying that she was startled, I wouldn’t even know that the comment had a reaction on her. Come to think of it, it was quite hilarious, but she hardly skipped a beat, which really surprised me, considering most if not all the strangers I’ve complimented have given me quite visible reactions. She really is gorgeous though, and with a body to match. The SIA uniform does wonders for flattering a lady’s figure I have to say.

I do pray I won’t entertain anymore of these thoughts, and with the privacy of my own room back in Singapore, I really hope I don’t fall into sin again especially during my 2 weeks back home. I do want to stay single, and I do want to serve God. If your hand makes you sin, cut it off, and if your leg causes you to sin, leave it behind. But my mind makes me sin, how do I cut that off? And if that is standing in the way of my service to the Lord, then it needs to go, but how to do it effectively?

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