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Sunday, June 01, 2008

-- Opened --

#-Can it be me?

It's 0230, and I have to get up early to play for church, but I just can't sleep. 5 months ago I fasted to be rid of porn and masturbation. While it's been working well, I discovered that doing abdominal exercises can cause ejaculation. I don't know why on earth it happens, and as much as I am perplexed by it, I am scared and ashamed that it happened as well. True, theoretically I didn't even touch myself, wasn't in any form of lust, kind of similar to a wet dream actually, but even with that, I don't feel completely at ease and with both instances I feel as if something has gone wrong. I don't know if I should feel this way, but the fact is that then exercising may become potentially addicting, for the wrong reason. I still wonder why, when ejaculation was meant during sex, that men still get wet dreams. It really doesn't make sense at all!

But enough about that. I then realise, again, how darn darn darn difficult it is to live for Christ. everywhere I turn, temptation can pop up. I know for a fact that cunning evil spirits have been trying to bring me down, more so now that I'm stressed with exams and all. I'm honestly scared, and confused. I cry out to the Lord to take these all away again. I actually got rather mad...I remembered a verse Debra sent me, Philippians4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Pulled myself back, apologized for getting mad, and sought forgiveness, again. I'm sick of it though, keep having to ask for forgiveness. My heart wants so much to live like Christ, but each time I sin, I crucify Him again, and I am reminded of how useless I am. I don't want to disappoint Him, don't want to keep letting Him down.

Still unable to sleep, I started reading Marjory Foyle's Can It Be Me? Got to a passage that was uncannily relevant:

"One of the things I realised about Peter was that his walk along the beach with teh resurrected Jesus must have been a very important time. We do not know all that they said to each other, but I am sure they would have talked about Peter's betrayal. The Gospels tell us that after debying he knew Jesus Peter 'went out and wept bitterly', so obviously he would want to talk over the whole terrible event with the risen Jesus. As I studied further I discovered that however carefully I searched for it, Peter never mentioned his act of betrayal in his subsequent writings. It dawned on me that I was looking at an amazing result of God's forgiveness. It was so powerful, and Peter's acceptance of it was so complete, that he never needed to mention it again. Jesus had paid the price for sin on the Cross and Peter could now accept that he was forgiven, and that the episode was in the past. ... ... So often we keep raking up our past and all the things we did wrong, when God wants us to confess it all, be forgiven, put right what we can, then leave it with him. Where irreparable harm has been done we can never undo this, but I believe by our deep repentance and his forgiveness, healing can come to even the worst of situations."

Awesome.

"Soldiers in battle get wounded and, in some countries, are treated with great honour and receive a medal for their wounds. God's servants are also in battle against evil and they get wounded in the process, physical or psychological symptoms being one of the commonest manifestations. In God's eyes they are certainly not failures. They have usually made heroic efforts to cope, and God sees them as 'the honourably wounded', worthy of medals for gallantry."

My heart belongs to the Lord and I try my very best to serve Him. I truly do.

"My major source of keeping going spiritually was learning how to pray 'on the hoof'. I learned that one could really talk with God in one's heart when walking between two wards. He had promised to be with and in us always, so there was absolutely no reason why one could not truly live with him the whole time. Sometimes he was in the background, at others in the foreground, but he was always there. I revelled in this idea of constant belonging, real companionship, and in fact it has never left me even in my darkest times. I know God is there with me, as he had promised when I first gave myself to him."

He will carry me when times are tough. In that I will trust.

It's 0310. The peace of the Lord, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Yes please, Please, PLEASE, do that Lord.

-- Closed --

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